Charlie and Dee: Stealth Masters
by Angelic Gemstone
Summary: Charlie and Dee have a secret arrangement. Oneshot.


**Author's Note:** Recently binged this entire show. It's fantastic. Hope you enjoy my contribution to the small Always Sunny section of this site.

**Disclaimer:** It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia © Rob McElhenney

* * *

12:50 PM

On a Thursday

Philadelphia, PA

"'Cause it's nasty as shit, Charlie, that's why!"

"Well, no one's forcing you to look at my neck, Frank!"

"All I'm saying is, next time, do yourself a favor and tell the broad you're banging to suck your dick instead."

"Why don't you mind your own damn business, huh, how about that?!"

The bickering roommates stormed into the bar only to halt at the sight of a stern-looking Dennis staring them down with the intensity of a sex-crazed lunatic who'd just been told his dick would need to be amputated.

"Well, well, look who finally decided to show up," he said, arms folded, nostrils flared. "I told you both twelve thirty, and here you are, twenty minutes late. Honestly, does time mean nothing to the two of you? Every precious minute counts!"

"Hey, don't yell at me," Frank said. "Charlie's the one wasting time, paying whores to suck his neck."

"I didn't—" Charlie began, only to huff out a noise of frustration as he shook his head, evidently willing himself to calm down as best he could. "I didn't pay off any whores to suck my neck. I have way more class than that."

"You don't have an ounce of class in your entire body, not a single ounce, but we don't have time to get into that right now," Dennis said. "Did you bring the turkey baster or not?"

"Yeah, man, relax. Here," Charlie said as he reached into the pocket of his green jacket and withdrew the thing, handing it to Dennis, whose jaw clenched and eyes widened in sheer, relentless fury. Charlie didn't pick up on his angry countenance in the slightest, though, and it was only because Dennis was staring at him, not saying a word, that he finally asked, "What?"

"Oh, 'what?'" Dennis said, a dangerous grin flashing over his face before promptly disappearing. "Really? You're not fucking with me right now?"

"No?" Charlie said unsurely, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. "Is that not a turkey bastard or something?"

"Turkey _bastard?_ Oh, dear god," Dennis said. He paused, inhaling deeply, reeling in every rage-induced word he would've spewed at Charlie in that moment. He sighed now and held up the item Charlie had handed to him. "First of all, it's called a turkey baster, as in a device used to baste, or glaze, a turkey, but you clearly don't know what that is since this isn't a turkey baster at all. It's a goddamn letter opener."

"Huh," Charlie said.

"That's not a letter opener, it's my new toe knife!" Frank said, snatching it from Dennis' hands.

"Whatever, the main takeaway here is that now we've learned Charlie's ignorance encompasses not only illiteracy but the inability to recognize simple objects," Dennis said, and he vehemently waved his hand. "You know what, forget it, forget it! We're already behind schedule as it is. We'll just go pick one up ourselves at the turkey store. Mac!"

The door to the bar flew open, and Mac came running in. "Yes, you called, Dennis? I'm here. I'm here for you. Tell me what you need and I'll do it. I'll do it so hard and fast you won't even know what hit you. Unless, of course, you prefer soft and slow. Either way, I'm down. I'm down for anything."

"Yes, yes, I like this energy. I like it a lot. Listen, pal," Dennis said, suavely sliding a hand over Mac's taut shoulder. "Charlie here screwed up and brought us some sort of disease-infected toe knife instead of a turkey baster, so change of plans, we'll head to the store, pick one of those babies up and then we'll go straight to the bank from there."

Mac clapped his hands together. "Great, let's do it, I call shotgun in the Range Rover!"

"Actually, Frank, you gotta talk to the teller, so you'd better sit shotgun," Dennis said, "but hey, Mac, I'll let you pick out the turkey baster."

"Awesome, I'll get the biggest, thickest one they have, and I don't mean that in a sexual way," Mac said. "I know it can easily be misconstrued as phallic what with the shaft-like shape and all."

"Indeed, indeed, extremely phallic," Dennis said, smirking at Mac's eager, bright-eyed grin. "Frank, let's go."

"Fine," Frank said, "but I ain't doing an accent or shaving anything off."

"You're not—there's no need for any of that!" Dennis said. "Let's just go already, I can't tolerate standing here a second longer. C'mon, Mac."

"What about me?" Charlie asked as the three of them headed out the door.

"You can stay here with Dee and wait for the delivery guy because god knows we can't trust a woman with such a task," Dennis said.

Charlie could hear Mac's laughter of agreement, and as soon as the door shut behind them, he made a beeline for the back office.

* * *

Dee was sitting on the desk when Charlie burst in. For a second, they stared at one another like they were both surprised to see the other one there. Dee scrunched her brows and Charlie blinked, like he didn't know what to do with himself.

And then, he was on her, their lips mashing together like they'd both been dying of thirst in the desert and were now drinking each other in like they couldn't get enough. Charlie wrapped his arms around Dee while she shrugged him out of his green jacket.

She momentarily broke away to ask, voice a little breathless yet very much demanding, "What the hell took you so long?"

"Well, Dennis was pissed about the toe knife like I knew he'd be, so that took a little while to sort out," Charlie said. "Oh, and before that, Frank was giving me shit about my hickey, said it was gross."

"Gross? He's the one who's gross, banging Artemis in a goddamn dumpster!"

"I don't really care what he thinks, so it's whatever," Charlie said. "Besides, once the Waitress sees my hickey she'll be totally jealous, so if you wanna give me another one, I'd be down."

He kissed her again before she could respond, and thankfully it was the perfect distraction from the hot wave of resentment she felt whenever he brought up the Waitress. She never bothered to dwell on it, because what did it matter to her if he was still hung up on the Waitress despite the fact the two of them had been fooling around for… shit, how many months had it been now? Dee couldn't remember at all, and anyway, it was irrelevant. With Charlie's warm lips on hers, and his body pressing against her as she wrapped her legs around him, nothing else mattered in that moment.

It became easier and easier to trick the rest of the Gang so the two of them could sneak off together to bang. Mostly it involved something like today, purposely sabotaging a scheme so they'd have a little time to themselves without rousing any suspicions. Last time they'd been together like this had been at Dee's apartment, as she refused to have sex in the disgusting hole of a living space Charlie shared with Frank. That was when she'd gotten caught up in the moment and pressed her mouth to his neck, sucking gently yet firmly until he shuddered with pleasure against her lips and muttered her name in ecstasy.

She'd suppressed the thrilling tingle that had shot through her veins then. So what if she knew exactly how to get Charlie off, and so what if doing so made her feel a certain type of way she'd never felt with any other guy she'd slept with? All she cared about was getting off herself.

"Hey," she said, tearing her lips from his again. For a moment she looked at him, taking him all in, his dilated pupils and his lips slick with saliva and his hair all tousled. He looked sexy when he was turned on, but again, who gave a shit about that? Certainly not her. "You think you can… eat me out?"

"Oh, hell yeah," Charlie said without any hesitation, and his lips were on her once more, devouring hungrily, his tongue probing her mouth.

If she briefly smiled against his ravenous lips at his eagerness to go down on her, well, that was entirely involuntary. She found herself struggling to catch her breath when he broke away, and she kicked off her shoes in a hurry as she undid her pants. He gripped her hips and helped her slide them off, along with her underwear. If her heart started to race when he pressed his palms to her skin and kissed her inner thigh, it was only out out of the thrill of anticipation of her impending orgasm.

He wasted no time in dipping his head between her thighs and licking right up her slit, and she threw her head back as the abrupt shock of pleasure surged through her veins. His wet tongue lapped between her folds, and heat coiled in her stomach as her heart pulsed wildly. It was all out of excitement, especially since it had been a long time since anyone went down on her. The fact that it was Charlie Kelly working his mouth over her had nothing to do with that excitement.

His tongue brushed her clit, and she sucked in a breath. _Fuck, Charlie._

He groaned into her, and the vibration of his voice coupled with his palms tightening around her thighs had her clenching around him. She fisted a handful of his hair, driving him in deeper. Did he put vitamins in his own shampoo, too? Probably.

Wait, why did she care about that again? She didn't. Fuck, no, she didn't.

He sucked hard on her clit now, and she shut her eyes as her mouth dropped open with a heavy moan, pleasure mounting and nerves buzzing with electricity until it all became too much. She heard his name breathily escape her lips as she reached her climax, and he gave her a slow, sweeping lick as she rode out her wave, legs trembling in his hold.

For a few moments, she only breathed, letting the sensations wind down, her heart pounding and her body pulsing with aftershocks and the feeling of his warm hands on her thighs. She allowed her fingers to rake through his hair, and he finally caught her gaze, a smirk playing at his lips. Her heart skipped a beat, but it had nothing to do with the way he was looking at her, or so she told herself when she smiled back at him.

As he shifted a bit, she noticed his erection straining against his pants. She grabbed him by the waistband, more than ready to return the favor. He hissed with pleasure when she freed his erection and wrapped her hand around him, stroking fast, the way she knew he liked it. After a few pumps, she felt him twitch in her hand, and she leaned down and took him into her mouth, swirling her tongue around the head, feeling him throb in her mouth.

The little grunts and moans he made sent another thrilling rush through her, and she only took more of his length into her mouth, bobbing her head faster. She felt Charlie's hands in her hair and heard his breath hitch, and she knew he was close. She curved her tongue against the underside of his shaft as she moved her lips up to his head, giving it a sensual lick before sinking back down and deep-throating him. The moment his head hit the back of her mouth, he immediately came undone, uttering her name in a gravelly, pleasure-filled cry as he released into her mouth.

She swallowed—something she didn't do with everyone, only when she felt like it—as he came down from his high. Slowly, she drew back from him, and their eyes caught again, dark with lust.

Charlie wiped his thumb against the corner of her mouth, and instead of flinching or slapping his hand away, she found herself leaning into his touch. His hand lingered, fingers stroking her cheek now, and she couldn't fight the wide smile that stretched across her face. They both leaned in, lips nearly grazing, when—

"I told you it was a stupid idea in the first place, Dennis!"

"You didn't say shit, Frank."

"I did good, though, right, Dennis?"

"Shut up, Mac, and what is this, what—oh, goddammit. Charlie! Dee! Care to explain what the two of you were doing that made you miss the delivery guy?"

Reality hit them like a freight train, and the tender moment that had been welling up between them was completely gone now. They scrambled to put back on their discarded clothing, though truth be told, Dee couldn't give less of a shit that Dennis was pissed off. He'd be over it the second a new idea for a scheme popped into his head. Then she and Charlie would find a way to fuck that one up, too, just so they could have these moments together. Which was probably all they'd ever have.

"You ready, Dee?" Charlie asked. He'd put his jacket back on and paused to look at her now, hand on the doorknob.

She knew he was asking if she was ready as in, all dressed and ready to go out there to join the Gang. Yet, as he looked at her over his shoulder, silently waiting for her response, somehow, she couldn't help wondering if there was more to it than that. After all, they were a team, in a screwed up way, facing all this together, as this wasn't the first time they could've gotten caught, and it wouldn't be the last time. The secrecy only added to the excitement of it all. They were the only two who knew each other so intimately, and that was all that mattered. And fuck it if that sounded all romantic and all that bullshit she typically hated. Because maybe she did have a thing for Charlie Kelly, but you know what? Maybe he had a thing for her, too. And maybe someday they'd explore all that, but for now, the possibility was enough.

Grinning broadly, Dee said, "Let's face those dickholes."


End file.
